You know that feeling where you just start to drop at the top of a roller coaster ride from its highest point? The feeling of your stomach dropping, your heart racing, and you feel like you can’t catch your breath? It only lasts for a moment, and then you reach the bottom and the feeling subsides as quickly as it came. For the last 60 days I have been living with that feeling. I have been feeling as though I have fallen into a dark and endless hole with no bottom in sight. I haven’t been able to take a deep breath or sleep through a night, or eat properly or perform pretty much any simple, normal function that most people just do without a second thought. I mean, breathing isn’t something the average person has to even think of. But somewhere around 1, 440 hours ago, I became no longer average.
Approximately 86, 400 seconds ago my husband Andre died suddenly and very large part of me died with him. I feel as thought i have been free-falling ever since. Falling down a hole filled with fog and darkness. I can’t see where I am going, or where the bottom is. I do however, see my life for the last 18 years playing in my mind. With each foot I fall, my sense become more heightened; moving images of my husband smiling at me , the sound of his laugh, the way he smelled, the burning of the skin around my eyes from wiping away my tears the days after he died, the butterflies in my stomach when he kissed me, and the pride I felt watching him perform.
As I continue to fall, I replay the moments of the last minutes I saw him alive. Did I miss something? Did I kiss him hard enough? Did I remember to tell him I love him?
Falling further still, feeling pieces of my heart disintegrate and slip between my fingers like grains of sand. I grab at the air in front of me, trying to hold onto anything I can to stop falling and wake up in a sudden jerk from this nightmare.
On December 29th, 2017 my husband died suddenly of unknown causes. He took with him most of my heart. I have no idea when the falling with stop, but I am even a little more terrified of finding out what it’s going to feel like once I have hit bottom.
“As the pain sweeps through,
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill is gone
Wasn’t too much fun at all,
But I’ll be there for you
As the world falls down”
– David Bowie