Dear God

Dear God,

The last year of my life has been filled with platitudes about your intentions, your plans, your bigger picture. Since I understand that you have many loyal followers and supposedly lots of people to listen to, I think that you need to refocus for a second and take a moment to review my life as I am going to lay it out for you.

The last 38 years of my life have been  filled with challenges. And while I am fully aware that there are so many more people who have lives far worse than mine, mine is the only one I am trying to navigate, so it’s the only perspective I have.


Dear God,

You brought a little girl into a house already filled with so much strife and ruin. A house that thrived on abuse and mental illness. A home that inevitably ended up with broken hearts, shattered dreams and fragile children. Each of these children would grow up and move on to fuck up in each of their own special way, but they have kept moving despite the incredible rough start to their lives– some thriving more than others.

Dear God,

That same little girl would never really know her place in the world. She tried and tried to see the beauty in it, but never really felt like much more than a burden, a mistake, a problem. At the age of 12, right when her life should be filled with an active social life, after school activities and hope, you saw it fit to have her sexually assaulted by a family member. This set in motion many, many years of untreated mental illness, bad decisions, a lack of respect and hatred for her own body. These things would haunt her for many years to come as she was given no choice but to suffer in silence and let insides rot as her smile shined bright on the outside. All of this finally coming to a head over 20 years later when the only way she could take back any power was to walk away from almost all of the only family she ever knew.

Dear God,

Andre came into my life when I needed him most. He showed me what loyalty and compassion looked like. He loved me in the best way he knew how, and although we hardly ever saw eye-to-eye, we chose to stand by each other, hand in hand through it all. Together we lost jobs, fought, had two beautiful children, bought houses, took trips, cried, screamed, made a home, made memories and loved each other endlessly despite often times  not knowing why.

Dear God,

In some ruthless inexplicable act, you took him away. No notice, no clues, no warning. No chance to say goodbye or utter any last I love you’s. You ripped him out of my life when our lives together should have just been beginning. My girls deserve a father, and I deserve a husband and yet in some vengeful, mean, and heartless way, this was how you chose to show me your love?!

Dear God,

People keep telling me that you will not give me more than I can handle.  My heart and my spirit are broken and I am exhausted. I am empty.

So, Dear God,

I beg of you, please leave me alone. I have had enough. 



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